'Unfortunately, the bloods have come back and there has been a decrease in hormones. You're miscarrying. The best thing you can do is got home and wait.' A scan a few days later confirmed, these words, haunt me. Statistically, it is estimated that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. The statistics may be more than this with women miscarrying before they find out they're pregnant. 1 in 100 women experience recurrent miscarriages (3 or more in a row) and around 11 in 1000 pregnancies end up as eptopic. I didn't realise how many women had miscarried until I went through it myself and it was only then others started talking about it, when before, they had been silent. Many suffer alone because pregnancy loss is not something we talk about. Why is this? We are told not to tell people we are pregnant before 12 weeks, just in case, but that means if it does end in miscarriage, we either have to tell friends and family 'I was pregnant and now I'm not' or suffer in silence. Which is a better option really? Knowing that miscarriages are unfortunately common; knowing the statistics; knowing that genetically something is likely to have been wrong and your body was responding to that; hearing people say “at least you weren’t futher along”; listening to the words of those who sort to comfort us - it doesn’t help the heaviness of your heart. Since pregnancy loss is so common why isn't it talked about more? Why are women and men expected to hide the existence of the child they lost? To grieve alone and to not make others feel uncomfortable and what do we get? One hour a year, the 15th of October at 7pm to light a candle and post a photo on social media creating a 'wave of light' to remember the infants lost too early. It's a lovely sentiment but is it enough? After speaking to my husband about our pregnancy loss years later, it was only then I really understood how it affected him too. I think it is so much easier for everyone to rally around the mother as she is experiencing the physical pain from the miscarriage but it's just as important to remember that the father of the baby is also going through a grieving process. They may not express this at the time as they see their role is to support the mother. This was definitely true in our case. My husband was a rock to me, at a time when he needed a rock of his own. It has been 6 years, and although the memory of what I went through will never leave me, I am OK now. I did get through it. I did have more children. The pain isn't as bad as that first day. Time may not always heal but it does make a good distraction. I was lucky, I had plenty of support from those around me who grieved with me and celebrated when I did fall pregnant with my rainbow baby. I am a great believer in feeling that the little souls we lose come back to us, when the time is right, in stronger, healthier bodies and although it's heart breaking, we come out the other side stronger and more aware. I believe I went through this (twice) so that I could help others. To show that it does get better and that we are not alone. My advice would be, talk about it. Talk to your mum, your sisters, your friends. Chances are they may have been through something similar, chances are they will know how to support you. Pregnancy loss is not something to be ashamed of, it wasn't your fault, and you don't have to hide it if you don't want to. Remember, but also when you are ready, it’s okay to let go. If you need it, seek help. The Miscarriage Association is a charity that’s there to support those who have lost pregnancy. Your GP can also provide you with support advice.
Comments