Have you ever found yourself trying to juggle every aspect of your life? You're exhausted from the physical actions that come with keeping so many balls in the air and you’re exhausted emotionally from the demands that come with pleasing everyone by putting on a good show?
Do you find that after all your hard work you become your own biggest critic? Well I have, I have to admit, it's possibly one of my worst traits. This constant desire to 'do it all' and if I can't, then that feeling of failure that sits in the pit of my stomach, or in the back of my mind, that says I wasn't good enough. Since having my youngest, I have been forced to stop, to breathe, to put my juggling balls away and focus on what is really important, to reflect on all my achievements and failures over the last years and here is what I have found...
For the first time in a long time, I am happy, content and calm. I'm not battling myself to get things done, to achieve, to fulfill the 'Supermum' title.
For many, many years I have been pushing forward to pursue a career as a teacher. That’s great you might think but while doing this I have also had 4 children. I started chasing this career nine years ago, my oldest child is just turning 8. I have worked and studied, carried and raised children all at the same time without allowing myself time to stop and enjoy life. The worse part is that I convinced myself that I was doing it for them, for a better future, so that they would see me work hard and achieve and want it for themselves one day. But the reality is that they just needed me.
At one point, I had three children (5, 2 and 1 years), I worked full time in a school as a teaching assistant and studied for my BA (Hons) degree on a Monday evening after a full day's work. Sometimes I would not get home until 11PM, only to then get back up the next morning and do it all again. I was exhausted. I was unhappy. I was missing all the joy that comes from being a mum.
The 'working mum' guilt would sting. Every play day I missed, every weekend we stayed home so I could study, we missed the snow days, we missed birthday parties, we missed cuddles on the sofa with a movie because I didn't have time to stop. But society dictates that women can do it all, we can be mothers, we can work, we can run a house and we CAN do it all! Because I'm superwoman right? And really, how could I afford not to? We live in a world where families need two incomes to survive.
Realistically, having two children of preschool ages, I paid out more in childcare than I was earning. In hindsight this was never the right decision, but I also had a responsibility, a duty to do my job. There were children in school who relied on me, I couldn't let them down. My job supported my degree, my degree supported my job, I felt like I needed both.
When I achieved my degree, I had an option, I either stop now or I do my PGCE (post graduate certificate in education). Once again I chose to power through, do the PGCE, finish my training, become a teacher... That voice in the back of mind telling me I have come this far, don’t stop now.
The PGCE was intense as others said it would be, but I didn't listen, I believed I could handle it, as I have done many times before. The PGCE robbed me of all my time, all of my energy and in the end it took away my love of teaching. I realised that teaching was not what I believed it to be. It was more about planning and assessment and marking, putting children on this conveyor belt of learning. At least as a TA, my role was about the relationship, the children, the part of the job I loved.
When I graduated the 'well done's' and 'congratulations' meant nothing because in my heart it wasn't an achievement but a failure. So I decided it was time to STOP! I found out I was expecting my daughter during the summer holidays and this felt like a new opportunity, another chance to reconnect with motherhood, to do it “better” this time! Better for me, so I am. I have found enjoyment in pausing, purpose in the calm. I don't know what I'm going to do in the future and that’s okay.
I'm taking my eyes off the horizon and fixing them on my real joy, my true goal. My family.
Thankyou Hazel for reading and for leaving a comment, I think your right that it's a family trait, thankyou for your support :)
Found your blog really interesting Kristie, read some of it out to Dave he thinks there's a family trait in trying to do it all, being your own worst critic,( obviously not from a mothers point of view) he related to some of your comments. I know some of the things you have gone through and we can run ourselves ragged trying to be someone we were not meant to be. Well proud of you for putting yourself out there.
Hazel xx
ps love your family so beautiful.